Life: What happens when you leave the door open

PMS is a Bitch!

**Posted previously, but due to recent circumstances I felt the urge to post again.

Men might think that they understand the workings of a woman's cycle, but let me say, there is absolutely no way that they could have a clue.  Unless of course he is bipolar, then maybe he can understand how such a change in body chemistry could cause one to feel so different from their normal self.  Most woman claim, or are described as "bitchy" but I on the other hand turn into a big cry baby.  Okay, well I don't necessarily cry all the time, but I turn into an even more sensitive person than I already am.  This is how my body reacts to the monthly destruction going on within.  Not only does this PMS lead to the actual tearing down (or shedding) of the uterine lining, but it temporarily alters the emotional state of the woman.  I feel like a victim of my own body.  I'm held against my will, subjected to mind altering drugs and forced to react in ways that go against my own good judgment.

I wonder, do men actually believe that PMS is real?  Or do they think that it is just three capital letters thrown together to create a name to excuse us women for acting inappropriately once a month.  To give us a legitimate reason to terrorize them  on this regular basis?  Ha, yeah right.  Not a chance guys.  This shit is real.  Just like giving birth, you guys will never be able to comprehend the extent of our physical and mental pain.  Just like I will never be able to comprehend your testicles being placed in a vise grip and squeezed so tightly that they pop out of your eyeballs, but then does that ever really happen to you?  If it did once I highly doubt you would ever willingly let it happen again.  Guys, I guess if you love us, you'll just have to continue to accept us and our Aunt Flow, because as much as we don't want her to visit, she still insists on her monthly visits without invite like clockwork.  Just look on the bright side, you still have approximately three good weeks out of the month where we are the women of your dreams (haha, just let that one go guys, if you're smart).

On a personal note...

Probably about four or so years ago I went to my doctor about my PMS.  I explained to him this overwhelming sense of sadness and self doubt that I experience just before my menstrual cycle that I don't normally experience at any other time without warrant.  He decided to put me on Prozac to help with that, which he diagnosed as Pre Menstrual  Dysphoric Syndrome and another condition, IBS (you like those 3 letter words don't you?). 

I lasted about a month on the medication before I decided that being sad for a week sucks, but being a zombie on an emotional plateau for the entire month sucks a hell of a lot more.  As much as I hate being sad, I love being happy, and I am pretty much a happy person most of the time.  Prozac made me a flat liner.  Know what I mean?  Have you ever watched a movie where some guy comes into an emergency room?  He has been rushed in there after a serious car accident.  A truck driver has fallen asleep at the wheel and has caused a reaction that escalated into a twenty car pile up on the interstate.  This guy was one of the unlucky ones.  He probably isn't going to make it, but they rush him into the ER anyway trying desperately to save his life.  They rip his shirt open and start performing CPR, as one of the nurses rushes to get the crash cart ready.  The next thing you know the doctor is standing there with two paddles in his hand, everyone stands back as he slaps them down upon the patient's bare chest as they send a jolt through his body.  It fails.  They make another attempt, then several more before finally they give up.  All eyes glance up at the heart monitor.  The patient has flat lined.  There are no little beeps dancing across the monitor, only one straight lifeless line reaching across the screen.  DEATH.  That is me on Prozac.  An emotional death. 

So.... I continue to be victimized, held against my will, subjected to mind altering drugs and forced to do things against my good judgment. Yep, PMS is a Bitch, but life goes on.

Men might think that they understand the workings of a woman's cycle, but let me say, there is absolutely no way that they could have a clue.  Unless of course he is bipolar, then maybe he can understand how such a change in body chemistry could cause one to feel so different from their normal self.  Most woman claim, or are described as "bitchy" but I on the other hand turn into a big cry baby.  Okay, well I don't necessarily cry all the time, but I turn into an even more sensitive person than I already am.  This is how my body reacts to the monthly destruction going on within.  Not only does this PMS lead to the actual tearing down (or shedding) of the uterine lining, but it temporarily alters the emotional state of the woman.  I feel like a victim of my own body.  I'm held against my will, subjected to mind altering drugs and forced to react in ways that go against my own good judgment.

I wonder, do men actually believe that PMS is real?  Or do they think that it is just three capital letters thrown together to create a name to excuse us women for acting inappropriately once a month.  To give us a legitimate reason to terrorize them  on this regular basis?  Ha, yeah right.  Not a chance guys.  This shit is real.  Just like giving birth, you guys will never be able to comprehend the extent of our physical and mental pain.  Just like I will never be able to comprehend your testicles being placed in a vise grip and squeezed so tightly that they pop out of your eyeballs, but then does that ever really happen to you?  If it did once I highly doubt you would ever willingly let it happen again.  Guys, I guess if you love us, you'll just have to continue to accept us and our Aunt Flow, because as much as we don't want her to visit, she still insists on her monthly visits without invite like clockwork.  Just look on the bright side, you still have approximately three good weeks out of the month where we are the women of your dreams (haha, just let that one go guys, if you're smart).

On a personal note...

Probably about four or so years ago I went to my doctor about my PMS.  I explained to him this overwhelming sense of sadness and self doubt that I experience just before my menstrual cycle that I don't normally experience at any other time without warrant.  He decided to put me on Prozac to help with that, which he diagnosed as Pre Menstrual  Dysphoric Syndrome and another condition, IBS (you like those 3 letter words don't you?). 

I lasted about a month on the medication before I decided that being sad for a week sucks, but being a zombie on an emotional plateau for the entire month sucks a hell of a lot more.  As much as I hate being sad, I love being happy, and I am pretty much a happy person most of the time.  Prozac made me a flat liner.  Know what I mean?  Have you ever watched a movie where some guy comes into an emergency room?  He has been rushed in there after a serious car accident.  A truck driver has fallen asleep at the wheel and has caused a reaction that escalated into a twenty car pile up on the interstate.  This guy was one of the unlucky ones.  He probably isn't going to make it, but they rush him into the ER anyway trying desperately to save his life.  They rip his shirt open and start performing CPR, as one of the nurses rushes to get the crash cart ready.  The next thing you know the doctor is standing there with two paddles in his hand, everyone stands back as he slaps them down upon the patient's bare chest as they send a jolt through his body.  It fails.  They make another attempt, then several more before finally they give up.  All eyes glance up at the heart monitor.  The patient has flat lined.  There are no little beeps dancing across the monitor, only one straight lifeless line reaching across the screen.  DEATH.  That is me on Prozac.  An emotional death. 

So.... I continue to be victimized, held against my will, subjected to mind altering drugs and forced to do things against my good judgment. Yep, PMS is a Bitch, but life goes on.

Peek-a-boo

Peek-a-boo
There is never any privacy,
not even in the bathroom.

Strange things happen

I am a CSI, Law & Order freak.  Those happen to be two of my favorite shows, although I have to admit that I am undecided about which CSI I like more, Vegas or New York.  Miami is definitely out of the running since I can't even bring myself to watch that one.

Since I have been off work for about the past month, I have been watching more than my share of these shows.  I believe it was yesterday that I was watching an episode of CSI when Grisham realized that a suspect had something he referred to as Mosaicism. 

Just now I was sitting here eating animal crackers and watching House (another one of my faves).  In this episode a little boy came in with two different DNA's in his body.  It is funny, I really wasn't watching the show, but this was the only part of the show that I caught.  Strange.  I actually knew the condition that they boy had.  I only knew this because, believe it or not, I learned something while watching t.v.

If you don't know what Mosaicism or Chimerism is look it up it is quite interesting, at least if you have any interest in genetics.  I happen to find it very interesting.  To know that there is a condition that could cause a person to have two different, but yet somewhat related DNA's in their body.  Related because they of course come from the same parents.  HUH.  Now I'm wondering.  Chimerism is when zygotes merge together early in the development process and they become one.  What I'm wondering though is that having twins does not necessarily mean that both have the same parents.  Twins only means that both babies where born during the same gestational period, not that they both had the same fathers.   Are you following me?  That is a bit confusing.  Wouldn't it be crazy, but yet possible that a woman could get pregnant with twins by two different men, but yet the zygotes somehow managed to merge together to result in Chimerism, which would give the child two sets of DNA with the genetic material from two totally different men.  Wow, now THAT would be crazy.

So with all that said it makes me realize something.  I had been wondering for some time now why am I so interested in shows like CSI, Law & Order and House.  I couldn't understand because I never try to guess who did it.  Well, maybe just a bit, but that never seemed to be what pulled me into the story.  I was content with letting the characters figure it out.  What I have realized, and something that I have known about with the books that I choose to read is that I am not so interested in the story itself, as I am in what I can take from the story.  Hence the reason why I don't read novels.  I don't care about the story.  I love these kind of shows because they teach me something, even if it is useless information (such as Chimerism) but nonetheless interesting to me.

Heart Whispers II

If my grandfather were alive today I believe he would be 99 years old.  He was a rather large man, standing well over six feet tall, but he was anything but frightening, at least to this little girl.  I've never known him to get upset, except maybe the time that he turned the wrong way onto a one way street because my grandmother had him flustered.  They were such characters together.  My grandmother has that strong personality that lets you know that she is in control.  It was possible that my grandfather did wear the pants in the family, but he always seemed so laid back to me when I was young.

I guess I'm thinking about him because I ran across one of his old cardigan sweaters that he used to wear.  I couldn't bring myself to part with it.  I don't have much left of him, and growing up my time with him was limited since he lived quite a distance away from us.  I do remember times when he would take us on trips to West Virginia (where my grandparents were raised) and even once to Niagra Falls.  Whenever a visit with my grandparents ended they would always slide a few dollar bills into our little hands.  Thirty plus years ago that was something to this little girl.

I always found this funny since my daughter was extremely young when my grandfather passed, and there were few times that their paths crossed, but she told me about a dream that she had of him.  In this dream he was dropping notes to her from Heaven.  I cried when she told me because I didn't even know that she remembered him.  Shortly after I painted her room a soft pink with a border of angels in the clouds.

My grandparents were never known for making meals at home, so when we were with them we always knew that we would be eating out.  I remember always riding in the back seat of their car and when it came time to eat out he would always ask us if we wanted to some "fried grasshoppers."  That was my grandfather.  He didn't say much, but when he did he was always as sweet as could be.

Just thinking and thought I would share my "Heart Whispers" with you.

Heart Whispers. Grandfather

 

Like I would believe a psychic

I have just joined a group called "Mom Blog Network."  A way for blogging moms to connect.  I signed up, but it seems that a many of the mothers have younger children than I do.   I guess that shouldn't mean that I won't have something to offer.  I just wish that I would have known about blogging and the world of digital photography when my kids were babies.  There were so many photo and story opportunities that I let slip by me.

This brings back memories...

I remember years back shortly after my then husband and I got out of the military.  We had decided to relocate to Michigan, my home state.  I had been back about a month when someone talked me into going to see a psychic.  I had been before but I always walked away thinking "yeah right!"  Every single psychic that I have ever seen has always told me that I was going to have three kids.  I found this funny because I thought that I would stop at two.  Two seemed like a good number, I have one sibling, that made two, plenty.

As I sat there listening to the psychic I wasn't impressed with her predictions.  She said that I would have some plumbing problems, and that I would purchase a toaster.  Wow, I was excited (not really), but why would I purchase a toaster?  I already had a nice one.  She told me that there really wasn't much to tell me, except for the fact that she couldn't stress enough how strong it was that I was going to have a boy.  She told me a few more trivial things but she kept going back to the part about me having a boy and how she couldn't stress enough how strong she felt about it.

I left feeling cheated out of my money.  Not that I believe psychics, but for entertainment purposes, I wasn't very entertained.  She could have come up with some more exciting things to tell me.  I mean come on, me pregnant?  This is the worst time for me to get pregnant.  We had just moved.  I had just gotten a job making 8 whole bucks an hour.  My "then husband" didn't even have one yet.  How could I get pregnant?  (bell rings) Duh, SEX!  Just to be safe, on my way home I decided that I would abstain from having any.  This would ensure that I didn't get pregnant right?  RIGHT? 

Believe it or not I did abstain, for an entire month.  Little did I know I was already pregnant.  I was pregnant while I sat there talking to the psychic and I didn't even know it.  Do you know what the kicker was?  I was sitting there pregnant with identical twin boys.  Makes me wonder, was it because they were identical twins the reason that she couldn't stress it enough, why she kept repeating those same words over and over, "I can't stress enough."  Still to this day, I don't put my trust in psychics, but it does make me wonder.

It is funny how life works isn't it?  Good things come when you least expect it.  I couldn't imagine my life without my boys, or my daughter.  No regrets there.

BTW, I did end up having plumbing problems and buying a toaster.  She never said that I was going to buy the toaster for myself, just that I was going to buy one.  A few months later I had to draw a name for my "then husband's" family Christmas gift exchange.  Guess what the person I picked wanted for a gift?  Yep, a toaster.  She got it.

It's a Chick Thing

 Last night I read part of a little book titled "It's a Chick Thing."  In it they are describing a particular chick event referred to as "beast night."  As the authors suggest "an alternative to beautification...beastification."  What a hoot!  Sounds like a blast to me. 

They give a specific formula for creating such a night with many humorous details.  One that made me laugh was:

"Makeup:  None, or just enough so the fire department won't think you're a corpse if they show up."

I couldn't help but laugh, since I am extremely pale.  Let's just say that when I walk through my bedroom in the middle of the night there is no need to turn on a light.  I'm kinda like one of those fireflies, I light up when it gets dark.  Okay, maybe a bit of an exaggeration, BUT I'm pretty damn white. 

I better never pass out from drinking too much and accidentally catch the house on fire, I could easily be mistaken for a corpse when the fire department comes.

Food for one

Tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwich.  As simple as that is it still brings back memories more than three decades old.  Every time that I eat this meal, which isn't very often, I am always reminded of elementary school lunches.  Of course you already know that the sandwich is there to dip into the soup.  Don't you??

Again I am alone for pretty much the entire summer.  This means that I have to get used to eating meals for one again.  This isn't always an easy task for me.  Right now I have a crockpot of chicken soup cooking.  I figure this will give me a couple of days of easy meals.  I have some left over flat bread, maybe I could grill up some chicken and have a personal chicken pizza, then freeze the rest of the bread for another day.

Next I have to ask why is there nothing on t.v. during the weekends?

Leaving it alone

Sorry.  I realize that you might find the last post a bit confusing, but sometimes you just have to let things go.  That is what I have decided to do.  Move on and enjoy what life has to offer. 

That is exactly what I am going to do tonight.  My plans are to go to the bar and watch the Red Wings game with several of my closest friends.  I'm really not a sports fan but as long as I have good company I'm game.

Reacting to disappointments

I'm about to write another post, but I just have to get this one out first.  Last night and this morning I had some disappointments, you can read about it in the following post.

Just now I looked out the window to find my cat sitting underneath of my car, peeking out from around the front tire.  I tapped on the window to catch her attention.  She looked up at me and for a moment it seemed that none of those disappointments mattered to me anymore.  With just one look from her she could make me smile and realize that the rest doesn't matter.

I'm gonna write about my disappointments, but I think after that I will be finished.  I'm already healing.  I need to constantly remind myself that I can't have expectations of others because if I do I will certainly be disappointed.  All that I can do is continue to be the person that I truly am and to use these experiences as lessons to use within my own life.  I determine my happiness, not others.  How I react to their behaviors is all up to me.  Sometimes it just takes a little bit to let it all sink in.  More importantly I need to remember those that are there for me time and time again and not worry about those that continue to let me down.  True colors will eventually shine through.

There is a lot going on in my head right now, and the optimism is finding its way back to the surface.  To be honest, now that I wrote all of that I don't feel the need to even go on about disappointments.  Its done.

Berkeley education for free

Since my education is no longer paid for, but I still have the desire to learn I have found another source to satisfy my curiosity.  YouTube and Berkeley.

Actually I ran across some educational sites from lecturers of such colleges as MIT, Yale, Stanford, and Berkeley while reading an April edition of Time Magazine.  The particular lecturer that peeked my interested is Marian Diamond, Professor at UC Berkeley.  Diamond is a Professor of Human Anatomy, which is a subject that I find very interesting.  Life in general is a fascinating subject for me.

Of course the particular lesson that I have highlighted above with Marian Diamond is just an intro to her Integrative Biology class, but I imagine that as the class evolves there will be many interesting things to learn from this woman.  You will also find on that page the links to all 39 of her Integrative Biology class sessions.

Energy drink addicts

I'm finding out that a big thing at school is selling energy drinks.  Kids will buy cases of energy drinks to sell at school for profit.  My daughter told me about a friend of hers that drinks them in excess and is now paying the consequences.  He has destroyed his stomach lining and ends up vomiting all the time.  His doctors have told him that he can no longer drink them.

I've always had an issue with my kids drinking energy drinks, I don't let them.

Personally I have had them from time to time, but I don't like to pay the consequences so I try not to.  I have to be completely exhausted and in a situation where I have to stay awake. 

I can see how they can be so addictive.  When I drink them I'm loving the energy that I have for first couple of hours, THEN comes the crash, which I swear I feel for days.  What is does is make you want to drink another to get that energy level back up, and then another and another.  Well I might be an artificial blond but I'm not falling for that crap. 

Not only that but I know people that drink several of them a day.  Can you imagine the cost of drinking several of them a day?  At those rates that could deflate your wallet quicker than a nicotine habit.

In this economy why don't you just do it the old fashioned way, go to bed and actually sleep.  Huh, maybe even take a multivitamin and fuel your body with nutritional foods.  Wow, what an incredible idea!

Students trip to France canceled

I ran across this article today about many students that have lost out on their scheduled trip to France along with their money. 

I found this article to be particularly interesting because my daughter is scheduled to take a trip to England and France this summer also.  I could only imagine how she would feel if her trip were canceled.  Even more disturbing would be to find out that you wouldn't get any of the money back.

In the article the money more than likely won't be refunded because the travel company that was used filed for bankruptcy.  My daughter is not going with school, but instead an organization called People to People.  For those that are not familiar with the organization it was created by President Eisenhower during his presidency.  Over the past 8 or 9 months that we have been dealing we have had nothing but positive experiences.  Along with that I have met many other people that have either gone in the past or one of their family members have, and they also have had positive experiences.

The students also participate in community service before their trip.  It is a wonderful program, and I hope to be a wonderful experience that my daughter will never forget.

Science behind it

I have no idea what the science is behind it, BUT I'm curious about something.  I have to wonder why when I place my cell phone next to my computer and there is an incoming call, I can always tell ahead of time because of the way my computer starts to act. 

If you haven't done it or just haven't notice the images on the screen start to twitch (for lack of a better descriptive word).  It is as if the images on the right side of my screen start to have a mini epileptic seizure.

Just wondering. 

Ideal morning (maybe?)

I often wish that I were a morning person.  My usual wake up time for work is 4 am, but that is with waking up, taking care of business and getting out the door.  I don't take in the time to enjoy the peace and quiet that the morning has to offer. 

I feel as if I am missing out on some precious time, but I just can' t seem to do it, get up earlier that is.  In my ideal early morning fantasy I am sitting in the most soothing place that I can find, drinking coffee and reading the morning paper, although there are four problems with this fantasy:  1.  if there is a soothing place in my house I haven't found it yet (maybe my bedroom, but I just spent an entire night in there so why would I want to stay?) 2.  I never drink coffee and have no desire to start.  3.  I rarely read the newspaper, it is in my opinion too depressing so why on earth would I want to start a relaxing morning reading the newspaper?  4.  There is no way that I am getting up before I have to.

Well, I guess that it will never happen, but it was a nice fantasy.  Maybe I can relax just thinking about enjoying the quiet time to myself.  I'm not even sure why I think about it since I don't enjoy three out of the four, coffee, newspaper or WAKING UP.

Johari Test

A while back I took this Johari Test.  I think it is an interesting ideal.  First you pick I think it is five or six qualities that you think best describe you.  Then your friends and family pick five or six qualities that they think best describe you. The facade is the area that you think describes you but that others don't pick, the arena is the area that overlaps what both you and your friends and family picked.  From the results of mine it seems that I have a pretty good idea of who I am and who others think I am.  Click on the above Johari Test to view my results.

Note "anonymous" just happens to be "Mr. I wanna marry every woman that gives me attention."  He filled it out shortly after we broke up, notice the way he responded to my test?  Able, intelligent, self-conscious, tense and complex.  I guess at times I have the ability to be self-conscious, tense and complex, but I don't know if these words best describe me.  I guess I have to look at who that came from.  I wouldn't mind having a bit of honesty to let me know my downfalls, maybe there are some that I am not aware of.  I can handle constructive criticism, but I don't think he was being constructive when he wrote that, he still had an attitude with me.

Chosing authenticity!

I have chosen authenticity!  I love this pledge by Brene' Brown, Ph.D.

I've often thought of myself as authentic.  At times I have had discussions with people about the little quirks in my personality.  My response has always been "but then I wouldn't be me."  I accept me, and so do they, as I am with all of those quirks and imperfections.  I don't need to be perfect, just perfectly me!

This reminds me of a conversation yesterday with a friend of mine from work.  He had called to find out if I had heard anything about our layoff.  While we were on the phone he aske me what I was up to.  I told him that I was blogging and his response was, "Speaking your mind huh?  Since we aren't at work and you can't do it there you're gonna find another way to."  YEP!

You know that saying "Stand up for what you believe in even if you're standing alone?"  Well that is me.  I would stand up for whatever I believe in EVEN if I were standing alone.  I don't believe that it is because I think that I have to be right all the time (well hopefully people don't get that impression of me, although being right is nice too), but I think that I just have strong opinions, values and a mind of my own that I choose to use.  I don't mind hearing other points of views because at times my opinions can be swayed if you can show me a different point of view that I have not considered. 

So here's to authenticity!!! Enjoy yourself!

Choices, choices and more choices.

I browsed through a post a from a few months ago.  In it I was talking about this health kick that I was on, ha, that didn't last.  It is one o'clock in the afternoon and I just scraped up the last of the Captain Crunch cereal that was left in the box.  It didn't even amount to a full bowl, but it was enough to satisfy my Captain craving.  Have I ever mentioned that Captain Crunch is probably my favorite cereal of all time.  I'm just like a kid.

Since I'm talking about favorites I'm gonna take this moment to talk about things that aren't my favorite, like why do I buy Joy dishwashing soap?  I am feeling as if I am losing my memory because I keep buying the same disappointing products, like Joy.  Every time I buy it, I tell myself that I will not buy it again because the suds last in the dishwater for approximately 1.2 seconds.  Okay, an exaggeration, but you get my point.  How do I keep forgetting how much I hate this product?

Another issue that I have is toothpaste.  I must have at least five tubes of toothpaste if not more in my bathroom.  A while back I was stuck on a particular brand, well not just brand, but a certain type, Crest Rejuvenating.  I hate when you find a brand of something that you love and it seems that it disappears off the market.  I love this toothpaste, it always made my mouth feel fresh and clean.  Now I have five tubes sitting there, and not one of them seems to satisfy me.  First off let me say that Aim, if they even sell it any more has to be the worst toothpaste in the world.  I'm still  on a search, and right now I have settled for Aquafresh, but that seems to be disappearing from the shelves also.  I barely found it in the sea of Crest and Colgate that dominated the shelves in a multitude of flavors.  It was just one little row of boxes mixed in between the two toothpaste giants, nearly missed.  It seems that Aquafresh only has one choice, sensitive maximum choice.  I'm not exactly sure what that means.  What happened to original choice?  Oh well for now it works.

Although this brings me to one more thought.  What is it with all of these choices?  It's toothpaste!  They have an entire aisle dedicated to toothpaste and as I said almost completely taken over by Crest and Colgate.  Who needs that many choices for toothpaste?

"How people treat you
is their karma,
how you react is yours."

Ramblings

I have so much that I want to write about lately.  At the moment I have time to write, but I seem to be so drawn to the music that I am listening to.  I don't really sit around and listen to music like some people do.  As a matter of fact it isn't unusual for me to drive in my car with silence, and rarely do I listen to music while at home.  Today I guess is an exception.  I want to write but I can't seem to turn off the music.  I can try to write, but it makes it kind of hard to focus on writing when your focus is on music.

My daughter on the other hand loves music.  Her life seems to revolve around music much more than mine does.  Then again she has been in band for like the past five years, so it is important to her.  Now her new focus is on drama.  She has joined the drama club at school.  So far she hasn't participated in any acting, but she has been working more on production.  I guess that is what they call it.  Next year she might actually consider doing some acting, who knows.  This weekend they are doing the play that they have been working so hard on, "Alice in Wonderland."

I have to admit I am impressed with my daughter's dedication to her extra curricular activities.  Some people might not think this of me because of my outgoing personality, but I didn't do anything in highschool.  I got a job as soon as I could when I was 16 and most of my friends were older than me, so I really didn't have any desire to participate in anything else.

As any good parent would do we encourage our children to educate themselves past highschool.  Hopefully going to college would be a great start, right?  I have always encourage my children to do just that.  They have always known me to go to school even with raising them and working a full time job.  I've been the good role model, right? 

The other day I was having a discussion with my daughter about her future plans.  She wants to go to a  culinary arts school.  I don't think that she expected me to approve.  I'm not sure why.  My goal is not to have doctors or lawyers for children.  My goal is to have my children working in fields that make them happy.  Doing a job that can support them financially, but yet a job that they can wake up to and feel good about going to.  To be honest being a doctor or a lawyer I imagine could have its perks, but the downside of both of those professions are things that I wouldn't want to experience in my own life.  Huh, that is probably why I never considered entering either of those professions myself.

Well enough rambling today.  My intended post was going to be about FEARS, but I guess that will have to wait for another time.  For now I need to get back to my music and my housework.  With two months off of work I imagine that I need to go through all of the things that I don't really need.  Let me say that this isn't an easy task for me because I think that I need everything.  Letting go is so difficult.

Life is still good!

Hey, don't let that little spat about some idiot ex-boyfriend make you think that life isn't good.  I only told that little story so that I could make my point, even though I'm not sure that I accomplished it.

Life isn't exactly where I would like it to be right now, but I am optimistic.  Unfortunately I have more than enough time off of work due to complications with my employer, which leaves me unsure about my future, BUT even so, I still can't help but feel optimistic about my it.

I have nobody in my life to complicate it.  Money is tight right now, but it always seems to work itself out.  There are those in my life that make me feel special, even when I have moments of self doubt, for that I thank them.  They know who they are no need to mention names.

Time to run.  With free time on my hands I expect that I will be blogging again. 

Enjoy Life!

Relationship advice from an amateur

I introduced my so called "boyfriend" that was stationed in Iraq to MySpace.  I created mine because my daughter had one, but with him I used it as a way for us to share our lives.  At first I thought that it was the biggest mistake that I ever made, but it hindsight it was one of the best. 

You see, he had asked me to marry him, and we were to be officially engaged when he came home for leave last June.

What started trouble between us was what he considered my jealousy over his female "friends" on his page.  I honestly don't consider myself a jealous person, unless of course I am slapped in the face with it.  This is the case with this story.  Well first off it was the position that he put the people in his life on his page.  For those of you that don't know, on MySpace people tend to put those most important to them in the top positions.  With THE BOYFRIEND he put me and my daughter in top positions, but as trouble started I realized that my daughter started dropping to the bottom of his list.  In my mind, if you are trying to make an impression with your soon to be step daughter then dropping her to the bottom of the list isn't such a good idea.  So of course, because I believe in communication, I brought it up to him.  Especially after I noticed that the did the exact same thing with his children when he was upset with them.  That I don't understand.  People that are important in your life, like your children, should never change (at least in my opinion).  What do you think that says to them?

Next I noticed that I started dropping and women that he had never met started taking positions in front of me.  He of course tried to turn it around saying that what position someone was on a website created for teenagers should not be important.  Of course that was until I pointed out how disappointed he was that his daughter placed his ex-wife in the #1 position and moved him to #2.

Well I really don't need to say it.  As you can see it is stupid drama that shouldn't be in a relationship, but it was.  Why was it?  Because there was no trust.  AND I never should have had a relationship with someone that I didn't trust.  You see it wasn't just the moving me around the page, it was comments left by the women.  Comments that a woman wouldn't leave for a man that she believed was to be married to a woman on his page.  You see, he was leaving himself open.  He was secretly planning our wedding and pursuing these other woman also.  Again, something else that doesn't need to be said but I will.  This man obviously has issues.  Insecurities actually.  He needs women, plenty of them to make him feel special.  I was crazy to even consider marrying this guy, and I realized how true it was after the fact.  Several months back I was in contact with one of his ex's.  I noticed that she would visit my MySpace.  She met him shortly after he asked me to marry him, and I found out that she had took  my place when he took leave his leave in June (when we were getting "officially" engaged).  She clued me in to a lot of things.  He had asked at least 4 other women to marry him in the past year, after me.  CRAZY, I know. DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA.

The point I am trying to make here is that my suspicions didn't go unwarranted.  I am not a jealous person, unless it slaps me in the face.  It did slap me in the face and I am so glad that it did.  HELLO, wake up call.  THANK YOU!!  I never asked him to delete anyone or for him to change his relationship status from single.  I left that for him to do.  I wouldn't of asked.  Having female friends would have been fine as long as I felt comfortable with our relationship.  Obviously I didn't feel comfortable.  We didn't have TRUST.

There is a specific reason that I even brought this up.  It is because a friend of mine is going through something similar right now.  I would say be wary of people that have trust issues, or people that give you a gut feeling not to trust them, especially in the beginning of the relationship.  If these things come up early in a relationship then imagine what the future has in store.

Me on the other hand have my own issues.  I wouldn't necessarily call it trust issues, but in a way I guess it is.  I never really believe that anyone is cheating on me, even when they are, but I don't trust that they think I am important.  Which strikes me as funny, because I believe that I am worthy of love.  I don't get myself, but hey at least I can acknowledge my imperfections.  Which is more than I can say for "Mr. I want to marry every woman that gives me attention."

I'm sure that I haven't covered all of the things that I wanted to tell my friend.  I know that I have a hell of a lot more dating experience than he has had over the years, so I just want him to be sure that he protects his heart.  Although I'm probably the last person to give dating advice, I've been single for the past 12 years.  In the end all that matters is that he is happy, especially after so many years of being unhappy.  Good Luck, I really do hope that things work out for you and that you do find your happily ever after.

 

Life is good.

Did I mention that life has been good lately?  No stress from men trying to figure out if they really want you or not.  What the hell?  Why do they play such games.  I don't have time for all that.  I have been enjoying life anyway.  Between the kids and my friends I have enough people around to keep me busy, and believe me I have been.  Probably why you haven't seen much of me around here lately.

The other day I had a wonderful lunch with several of my friends at a middle eastern restaurant.  Tomorrow I am having lunch and who knows what else with another one of my friends while the kids are in school.  Did I mention that I have the week off of work.  It is crazy that I managed to get a week off of work and still I am struggling to find time.  There is always something to keep me busy.

Today I am focusing on housework and stocking the fridge with lots of fruits and veggies.  I have gotten myself on a health kick lately.  I really want to keep a majority of unhealthy foods out of the house and find healthier choices that we enjoy to keep on hand.  Of course I know that I can't completely keep the goodies out, then we will feel cheated, but at long as we keep it in moderation things will be okay.

Lots of stuff has been juggling around in my head lately, but it seems that I can't find the time to really sit down and write about it.  Just as it seems now that I have to run again to take my daughter to her band practice.  The never ending life of a woman/mom.

To be continued...

I haven't given up completely

Sorry about the previous rant.  Don't get me wrong, I'm just a little discouraged with dating lately, it doesn't mean that I have given up.  As far as the last guy I dated goes, we get along great.  I don't have any hard feelings towards him.  He was just a perfect example of mistakes that men make, at least with me, and he was fresh in my mind.

I haven't given up completely, but right now my focus is just on other things.  I have lots of fund raising going on so that I can send my daughter to England and France this summer, and I am working on going to the gym regularly.  It is amazing how much a bit of pain can make you feel good.  Not so much while in the process of exercise, but I like the pain the few days after, which I consider a reminder that I am accomplishing something worth all of the pain.  Right now I'm feeling it in my abs.  Hootie hoot!  This week I see me being INCREDIBLY busy, but I have made a commitment to myself to stay on track.

The secret, and my challenge, will be to stay organized.  If I can accomplish that then I will be good.

Will I ever understand men?

Dating.  Here I go again.  One thing that you can say about me is that I am not a woman that needs a man in her life.  I know many women that do, but I am not one of them.  Here are some things that bother me about men and dating.

1.  Men have this way of coming on strong in the beginning.  Texting and call all the time, and then eventually they taper off, and you are not allowed to question why.  Is this just the eventual moment in a relationship where the new wears off and things taper off, or are things going bad?  Where men fail is that they start something that they can't possibly keep up with, but yet they are masters at trying to make you feel as if you are the one with the problem.

Let me say that I am a woman that can talk forever if given the opportunity.  I can carry on a conversation with a total stranger as if I have known them forever.  If you're willing to talk to me I will talk.  If we don't talk that often I would be fine with that.  I kind of give what I get. No problem, but guys just don't get it.  What is worse is that they can't see what they do.  They get discouraged with the woman when they can't keep up with what they started. 

2.  This last guy I dated said that I needed a guy that I can keep tabs on.  Which seemed incredibly funny to me.  How in the hell did I keep tabs on him?  Did I ever drive past his house?  Nope.  Did I call him asking him where he was and who he was with?  Nope.  Huh, the most I can remember doing is calling him and asking him, "Hey, what cha doing?"  Now is that what he considers keeping tabs?  Because if that is so, I seem to be keeping tabs on just about everyone that I talk to on the phone.  I think that is more of a greeting than anything.  Small talk.  You are just checking to see if the person is available for conversation.  No big deal.  Hey, if that is what he thinks it's his problem.  He has no clue what goes on in my head.  I am not a jealous person.  I never run around thinking that someone is cheating on me, so why in the hell would I need to keep tabs on someone.  Seriously I really never worry about what someone is doing when they are not with me.  I could care less, whatever makes them happy.  I don't want anyone keeping tabs on me.  I'm used to doing my own thing, whatever I want when I want without reporting to anyone, so why would I do that to anyone else?  I don't get it.

3.  Okay, I gotta love this one.  When a guy says that he doesn't want a commitment, but that he still wants to "date" you, especially after you have been committed for like 4 months.  Really what is that saying?  The whole point of dating someone is to move forward, not to move back.  Well I guess the whole point of dating someone is to reach whatever your specific goal is.  Mine is to move forward with someone and develop into something hopefully lasting.  Does that mean that I want to get married?  Okay, yes I would love to get married some day, but let me say that I have been single for like 12 years.  I have been the Queen of my castle, without a King.  How easy do you think it will be for  me to step aside and share my role as the head of the household?  I'm not looking to move in with anyone, I'm not in a hurry to marry, I just simply want to find someone to share my time with that can eventually develop into something more.  I don't need anyone to raise my kids, or pay my bills.  I just can't help but think that when a guy takes a step backwards that "he really isn't that into you."  Which means that it is time for me to exit.  If a guy really loves you I don't think that he would risk losing you by taking a step back.  Don't you agree?  Maybe I'm wrong who knows.  Let me add that I tried to make excuses for his behavior.  You know, things are tough in his life right now, and he is stressed.  Please!  Even if I had stress in my life, which I do, I wouldn't let a good thing go when I had ahold of it.

Right now in my life I am fine with whatever happens.  If someone comes along, then fine, I am willing to give it a chance, but if not, I am fine with finding myself and living my life without someone. 

One day, right?

Turning 40!

It's hard to believe that I have finally reached my 40's.  I'm not so unhappy about it because nobody thinks that I am as old as I am.  Aging isn't particularly disturbing to me because I like to think that with all these years comes experience.  I actually look forward to my years to come.

Do you ever look back and think about the person that you once were?  How different are you from that person?   Has that experience benefited you or did you let that experience waste away?  I like to think that I have learned a few things here and there.

This year was going to be a first for me.  I was going to experience my first birthday party ever, well at least one that I remembered.  I imagine that years ago when I was a child that my mother probably had some sort of party for me, but I don't ever remember one.  Unfortunately my first ever was canceled due to bad weather.  Just my luck!  Oh well, there is always another year.  I had decided that I would rather have everyone safe than out there celebrating with me and taking risks.

Let me get back to growing older.  As I sit here I find myself thinking about all of the things that I have to look forward to.  I don't want to make it sound like I can't wait for my kids to get out the door, that isn't what I mean, but simply that I am looking forward to that time to do some of the things that I have given up over the years due to raising children.  I have this long list of things that I see me doing once my kids are on their own.  I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not but when I picture my future self I see me without a man in my life.  More than likely that is due to the fact that I am almost always single, and I've been this way for eleven or twelve years.  I guess it is just something that I am accustomed to, but I hope that I can learn to change if someone special did come along.  Maybe one day I'll share that list with you, but for now my hungry kids are wondering what is for dinner.  Time for me to get busy.

Enjoy!

Devloping healthy habits.

It's a new year, and a good time to start developing those healthy habits again, or at least attempting to.  Although I'm starting now not because it is a new year, but simply because recently my hectic schedule has lightened up enough for me to put in the time and effort.  Meal preparation and exercising takes time and effort.

Anyway, I'm bringing this up because I keep seeing the Jenny Craig commercials on t.v.  What I don't get about that is that who the heck is going to keep eating that stuff for the rest of their lives?  It teaches, well I'm assuming that it won't teach you about how to prepare healthy meals that taste good.  The whole process should be about changing your unhealthy habits and creating new ones that work with your tastes and lifestyle.  At least with Weight Watchers they teach you those things.

Losing weight is not normally a problem with me, my problem is staying motivated and on track for any length of time.

Wish me luck!

On aging.

"Just remember, when
you're over the hill,
you begin to pick
up speed."
--Charles Schultz


"I don't know what the big deal is about
old age.  Old people who
shine from the inside look
10 to 20 years younger."
--Dolly Parton

"As we grow old, the beauty steals inward."

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Closing the door on self pity.

Haha, I realized what that self pity was all about.  PMS.  I tend to get emotional when I PMS.  This is a new week and guess what.  I am feeling awesome.  No more self pity.  I'm all about this New Year and about defining who I am.  I can't wait to accomplish everything that I have planned for this year!

Lying to myself

Okay, I realize that I am lying to myself.  It does hurt that I was dumped.  Don't worry, I won't chase him, because I still refuse to be with someone that doesn't want me, but it hurts.

I'm not a bitch and I can't seem to figure out why things don't work.  Maybe guys really do like bitches, who knows.  I think at this moment I am feeling a bit sorry for myself, thinking that nobody can love me.  That hurts.  I know it isn't true, but so many failures lead me to come to that conclusion.  At least that little part of me that wants to partake in self pity for a while.  I think the fact that I am in Florida and not really keeping myself busy just makes it that much more difficult.  I can't wait to get home.  I can't wait to keep myself busy.

Oh well, enough self pity for the night, I'm heading back to my NCIS marathon. 

Enjoy!

Men

I don't really get men.  I guess that is probably why I am single most of the time.  My boyfriend dumped me without really telling me or giving me any reason.  I can't say that I am not disappointed, I did really think we had potential, but I'm okay with things.  If there is one thing that I believe in it is that I would rather spend my life alone than with someone that didn't really want me.  I had enough of that in my marriage years ago, and I have seen enough of that in my parent's unhappy marriage. 

I seem to do pretty good about getting over things.  I just think to myself that it just wasn't meant to be, he just wasn't the right guy, no big deal.  Just think about it, there are so many things that I can accomplish by myself.  Pretty much anything that I want and I don't have to worry if anyone else shares my ideas or desires.  There are always friends & family to accompany me on trips, events, dinners, movies, etc.

I think right now I give up on trying to find Mr. Right especially since there are so many things that I need to worry about in my own life right now.  The way I look at it, I have a lot to offer someone and if they can't see that then it really is their loss.

Now a bit about life right now, forget men.  I am visiting my family down in Florida.  My grandmother lives down here also, she has recently been admitted into a nursing home, and there is talk of her heading to hospice.  I have the most wonderful grandmother.  I love, respect and admire her more than she will ever know.  She will be the first person to die that will really impact my life and I'm not so sure that I am really for it.  She never really lived close to me and I regret that I didn't get to spend enough time with her, nor did I make enough time for her for that matter.  My loss!  Now it is a bit too late.  I remember a few years ago I bought her and my mother a journal to write down some of their fondest memories of life or anything else that they wished to write, but they both left them blank.  I know so people just aren't the journaling type, but I wish that they would have been.  I hope that anything that I write will be interesting for my children to read in the years to come.  Heck, I know my daughter finds it interesting now, especially the stories about them.

Other than that I will be off until the 20th of January, and hopefully no longer than that.  That will be a month off and more than I really want to have off, although I do have some things that I would like to get accomplished during that time, so I guess it is a blessing in disquise.  I haven't blogged in ages, I have tons of sorting and organizing to do, and I would love to get into the gym and lose a few of these extra pounds.  I've been extremely busy lately, and yes I am going to be a bit selfish, but I could use a little quality me time.

As far as tonight goes, it is the day after Christmas and only about 7:30 pm and I am loving the thought of heading to bed early with a good book.  I think that sounds like a great plan.  RELAXATION!

Happy Holidays to everyone!

Emerson

"What lies behind

us and what lies

before us are tiny

matters compared

to what lies

within us."

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

Regrets

"...but the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the three on them sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4, and 1. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in a hurry to get on to the next things: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less."  --Anna Quindlen

I try not to have many regrets, because I believe that we learn from our mistakes, BUT one thing that I do regret is stated perfectly by Anna Qundlen above.  I wish that I would have taken more time to document those little moments that really are important from when my children were young.  I especially wish that I could have remembered some of those incredibly silly things that my three said when they were younger.  If I could turn back time, or write a letter to my past self, that is what I would have wanted to say, among some other things of course.  These would be my words of advice that I would pass on to any new mother. I have very few stories about myself from when I was a child, I wish that my mother would have kept a journal about me and my sister when we were growing up.  I would have loved to read them years later and to have told them to my children.

BTW, I'm the chubby little bald one in the photo above.  What my mom did tell me about this picture is that my sister was terrified that I would fall.  That is why she was holding on to me and not smiling.  I on the other hand, was not afraid.  Actually, there were two pictures taken, but only my father has the other copy, that he refuses to give up and that he has carried in his wallet for nearly 40 years.  In that photo you can see more of my personality, my tongue is hanging out and you can just tell that I am as happy as can be.  Boy, those were the days when there wasn't a worry in the world.

Dumbing down???

What are we headed for when our kids or even adults for that matter start talking in text code?  When we no longer say "Oh my God!" but instead I hear my child say "OMG!"  How about when laughing at something, you know ,a real laugh, haha, hehe, we get a "LOL"  instead.  What parent hasn't heard their child refer to his/her best friend as a "BFF." 

Are we dumbing ourselves down, or are we becoming so lazy that we can't even spend the energy it actually takes to say the words or do the actions.  I just don't get it.

Finding passion

I feel very passionate today.  Passionate about life and all it offers. 

I look at my children and I love them so much that I want to cry, simply because I love them. 

I think about the world and all it has to teach me. 

I appreciate the lessons that I have learned and the ones that I know are sure to follow. 

I am thankful for the men in my past that have failed me, because they have helped to create the woman that I am.  A woman that has loved deeply and been hurt just as deeply.  I came across a quote the other day.

"I've built a wall not to block anyone out, but to see who loves me enough to climb over" --unknown

I believe that this quote suits me.  Men that aren't willing to take the risk aren't worth my pain.  My diamond in the rough has decided to make another attempt at climbing my wall.  I remained loyal to other men as he waited patiently for another try.  He doesn't let me go so easily, and he makes me feel important.  I think I'll hold off on piling up those bricks, or at least stack them a bit more slowly until I can see how willing he really is.  I think I might have a rock climber here.

I've also recently reconsidered friendships.  Those that take my friendship for granted don't need to be in my life.  Don't take advantage of my kindness, because I have time and time again taken those people out of my life without thinking twice.  I have too much to worry about in my life that I don't need the ridiculous drama that I have allowed them to create in my life to bring me stress.  I have true friends and those are the ones that want my friendship without expecting anything in return.

Life is good.  I've really sat back and realized what I really have in my life and it's potential.  Tim, my diamond in the rough, said to me the other day that I really appreciate the small things, and I really do.  Most people take the small things for granted, not me.  I remember once a guy brought me a cup of coffee at work, little did he know that I didn't drink coffee, but I was so flattered by the simple gesture.  Isn't it amazing that something so simple could make my day, but it can.

Writing

"I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means."  --Joan Didion, "Why I Write"

I write for myself.  I share with others, but it matters not if they are pleased, my only need is to please myself with these words.

Finding positives the hard way

"Though we can't always see it at the time,
if we look upon events with some perspective,
we see things always happen for our best interests.
We are always being guided in a way
better than we know ourselves."

--Swami Satchidananda

I'm a firm believer in this.  We can act things out, and if they are meant to be they will, if they are not, then they won't.  I'm not sure what guides one, but I do feel that things are destined.

It seems to be that as I reflect back everything bad that has ever happened to me has followed with something positive.  Maybe not directly afterwards, but eventually that one negative finds its way to becoming a positive.

My Liberal point of view

"If by a 'Liberal' they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people -- their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, and their civil liberties -- someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicions that grip us in our policies abroad, if that is what they mean by a 'Liberal' then I'm proud to say I'm a 'Liberal.'"
--John F. Kennedy

I'm not what one would call political, but I do have my own personal views, which tend to be liberal.  I remember years ago when I was still married, my husband made a remark to me about my liberal point of view.  He said that if he would have known that I was such a Liberal that he never would have dated me.  He is, of course, a die hard Conservative. 

Yesterday my daughter was a bit upset with me.  Somehow we got into a discussion about politics, one with which she was not happy with.  I didn't agree with her point of view, or maybe it was a point of view that she has gotten from a certain Conservative.  I guess the good thing about having parents with different views is that the children get a wider view of options of which they have to decide which best suits them as they grow into young adults.  Then again maybe it just confuses the heck out of them. 

I guess with me I don't believe in looking down on the underprivileged, but rather giving them a hand to help them up.  Not all low income individuals or families are without goals or ambitions, and I think keeping a mindset that they are is a bit narrow minded.  Plenty of successful men and woman have started out in less than perfect households, maybe growing up with a single working mother such as myself.  Today approximately 83 percent of all single family households are run by women.  Not everyone has the nuclear family that existed in black and white with the Leave It to Beaver era. 

Just a little extra here.

Years ago women had no rights and when a marriage failed the men automatically won custody of the children.  Somewhere along the way opinions changed and it was determined that the mother was the parent of choice when raising children in a single parent household.  I'm not sure what statistics show, but what I have personally witnessed is an increase in men raising their children.  What amazes me is that in many of the cases that I have known the mother has willingly walked away.  Wow, that just shocks me, but I guess that not every woman is cut out to be a mother, just as every man is not cut out to be a father.  Thank goodness at least one parent is up for the job.  Then again, there are cases where neither parent makes the cut.

Anyway, thumbs up to both, mothers or fathers, stepping up to the plate and taking on their responsibility.

 

PMS is a Bitch!

Men might think that they understand the workings of a woman's cycle, but let me say, there is absolutely no way that they could have a clue.  Unless of course he is bipolar, then maybe he can understand how such a change in body chemistry could cause one to feel so different from their normal self.  Most woman claim, or are described as "bitchy" but I on the other hand turn into a big cry baby.  Okay, well I don't necessarily cry all the time, but I turn into an even more sensitive person than I already am.  This is how my body reacts to the monthly destruction going on within.  Not only does this PMS lead to the actual tearing down (or shedding) of the uterine lining, but it temporarily alters the emotional state of the woman.  I feel like a victim of my own body.  I'm held against my will, subjected to mind altering drugs and forced to react in ways that go against my own good judgment.

I wonder, do men actually believe that PMS is real?  Or do they think that it is just three capital letters thrown together to create a name to excuse us women for acting inappropriately once a month.  To give us a legitimate reason to terrorize them  on this regular basis?  Ha, yeah right.  Not a chance guys.  This shit is real.  Just like giving birth, you guys will never be able to comprehend the extent of our physical and mental pain.  Just like I will never be able to comprehend your testicles being placed in a vise grip and squeezed so tightly that they pop out of your eyeballs, but then does that ever really happen to you?  If it did once I highly doubt you would ever willingly let it happen again.  Guys, I guess if you love us, you'll just have to continue to accept us and our Aunt Flow, because as much as we don't want her to visit, she still insists on her monthly visits without invite like clockwork.  Just look on the bright side, you still have approximately three good weeks out of the month where we are the women of your dreams (haha, just let that one go guys, if you're smart).

On a personal note...

Probably about four or so years ago I went to my doctor about my PMS.  I explained to him this overwhelming sense of sadness and self doubt that I experience just before my menstrual cycle that I don't normally experience at any other time without warrant.  He decided to put me on Prozac to help with that, which he diagnosed as Pre Menstrual  Dysphoric Syndrome and another condition, IBS (you like those 3 letter words don't you?). 

I lasted about a month on the medication before I decided that being sad for a week sucks, but being a zombie on an emotional plateau for the entire month sucks a hell of a lot more.  As much as I hate being sad, I love being happy, and I am pretty much a happy person most of the time.  Prozac made me a flat liner.  Know what I mean?  Have you ever watched a movie where some guy comes into an emergency room?  He has been rushed in there after a serious car accident.  A truck driver has fallen asleep at the wheel and has caused a reaction that escalated into a twenty car pile up on the interstate.  This guy was one of the unlucky ones.  He probably isn't going to make it, but they rush him into the ER anyway trying desperately to save his life.  They rip his shirt open and start performing CPR, as one of the nurses rushes to get the crash cart ready.  The next thing you know the doctor is standing there with two paddles in his hand, everyone stands back as he slaps them down upon the patient's bare chest as they send a jolt through his body.  It fails.  They make another attempt, then several more before finally they give up.  All eyes glance up at the heart monitor.  The patient has flat lined.  There are no little beeps dancing across the monitor, only one straight lifeless line reaching across the screen.  DEATH.  That is me on Prozac.  An emotional death. 

So.... I continue to be victimized, held against my will, subjected to mind altering drugs and forced to do things against my good judgment. Yep, PMS is a Bitch, but life goes on.

Homelessness

Yesterday as I was driving along my usual route when I came upon a usual site.  On the exit ramp of the freeway, there seems to be a popular spot for a group of homeless men.  They stand there with their sign that reads  "Homeless & Hungry.  Please help.  God Bless!"  I'm softhearted and as I drive by I am always tempted to stick my hand, tucked with a few dollar bills, out the window, and sometimes I do.  Urban life isn't the only one affected by homelessness, especially in today's economy, where foreclosures are hitting the market at a steady, if not a rapid pace. 

When I see a homeless person I can't help but wonder if I am contributing to someone's bad habit, or are they really homeless.  Giving usually depends on how much cash I have in my pocket and how I feel on that particular day.  On this day, I had driven past the man.  I was waiting at the traffic light, but I could see him in my rearview mirror.  As I watched, I could see him walk up to a car where someone handed him a half eaten bag of Doritos.  He walked away as he reached into the bag and started to eat them. 

By this time my light had changed and I had to drive away.  It was then that my soft heart took over and I decided to turn around to give the man some money to get him some lunch.  I couldn't imagine having to eat some stranger's leftovers.  I had decided that whether I was contributing to a habit or not, the possibility that I might feed a hungry man seemed more important.  If the money funds a bad habit, then in in the end he will be the one that will have to pay for his faults, and I will still have walked away with a good conscious.    

Now let me say that doing this was not an easy task.  I had to go out of my way to get back to him.  I had to go over the bridge, turn around, come back over the bridge, enter the ramp to the freeway again, give him the money (which he seemed thankful for as he said "God Bless") then take the freeway to the next exit and circle around back to my exit. 

All in all, worth the effort.

                                                         

Things I need to accomplish in my lifetime:

I ran across this blog site some time ago.  I found this post interesting and thought I would share it again with others.

Did you see the movie "The Bucket List?"  This is something similar to that.  A site dedicated to those that want to create and share their life lists.  I created this some time ago, but it is time for me to get back to it.  Most of the things on this list are pretty easy things to accomplish, others take a bit more effort.  Some have even been accomplished, unfortunately some others were started but never finished and worse some have never been considered past the time of their mention on this very list.

Sometimes things just need to be refreshed in one's mind to give them that little bit of motivation that they need.  I'm more the type that needs constant motivation, but hell, I'm trying.  I've found my way back to this list....that is a start.

Things that I need to accomplish in my lifetime:

1. Raise happy, healthy children
2. Take my daughter to Italy for her graduation (2011).
3. Learn to speak Italian
4. See the Sistine Chapel.
5. Be more creative when cooking
6. Read all of the books that I currently own.
7. Find true love.
8. Do volunteer work.
9. Become more organized.
10. Learn photography
11. Learn to play the violin
12. Learn to play the guitar
13. Finish college.
14. Take a train trip to Chicago.
15. Move closer to my children's school.
16. Have dinner parties again with other couples (when I am a couple)
17. Learn to make exercise part of my daily routine for more than a few weeks.
18. Eat less fast food.
19. Drink more water.
20. Make a killer spinach & artichoke dip
21. Date someone that is actually on the same sheet of music as me.
22. Get all of my photos organized on my computer
23. Get all of my original photos organized (not on the computer)
24. Buy a new digital camera
25. Update the music on my iPod
26. Refinish my computer chairs.
27. Watch every single Law & Order episode there is.
28. Clean out my closet and donate clothes to Goodwill.
29. Get back to scrapbooking
30. Sleep through an entire night.
31. Laugh every day.
32. Travel to interesting places.
33. Play wallyball again.
34. Learn to play racquetball without abusing my opponent or myself.
35. Take creative writing classes
36. Buy a bike and actually ride it.
37. Move my cat off the elliptical machine and use it regularly.
38. Learn to dance:  Hustle, Salsa, Ballroom, line dance. etc.
39. Take an art class
40. Check out yoga.
41. Spend at least 1-2 weeks as a global volunteer, maybe in Africa or India.
42. Try Zumba.
43. Get a greenthumb, and create a beautiful flower garden.
44. Grow a garden of all my favorite veggies, which I can use to eat healthier.
45. Learn a new word everyday.
46. Find inspiration daily
47. Be more artistic
48. Create a journal that I love
49. Buy more books and read them also.
50. Go on at least one trip with the Anthropology Club.
51. Take my mother to Vegas, let her have a real vacation, one that isn't just about visiting family.
52. See the Grand Canyon, take lots of pics
53. Take a nature tour, someplace beautiful.
54. Go to London, England and see "the real agent Scully."
55. Buy a new computer
56. Buy Photoshop
57. See David by Michelangelo
58. Always be able to talk with my children.
59. Learn at least one song completely without creating my own version.
60. Pamper myself more often.
61. Buy a new car
62. Learn to paint something other than a wall.
63. Get better at remembering birthdays
64. Get better at sending out Christmas cards
65. Gather addresses for Christmas card list.
66. Get better at remembering names.
67. Do a modified version of Ali's "daily something"
68. Understand men (yeah right)
69. Revisit the Hindu Temple and actually try the vegetarian food
70. Make zucchini bread from scratch
71. Take more pictures of mom& dad
72. Have more family dinners
73. Invite my sister over more often for dinner
74. Keep grandmother's treasures forever.
75. Buy another Prada purse
76. Learn to fish and take my boys
77. Have more one on one time with each of my children.
78. Watch my chidren finish college.
79. Take a gondala ride through the canals of Venice with someone I love
80. Eat authentic Italian cuisine in Italy, with lots of fresh bread
81. Have fresh flowers on my bedside table every week.
82. Take the boys to a U of M football game.
83. Get my ex-mother-in-laws recipe for Italian Wedding soup
84. Visit Sicily, the place of my mother's ancestry
85. Marry a man that loves me for who I am, even with my imperfections
86. See more movies at the Detroit Film Theater
87. Take long walks through the streets of Ann Arbor and see all that it has to offer
88. Continue to have long talks about anything and everything with my daughter

89. Make time to smell the roses

90. Actually celebrate my birthday
91. Go to more comedy shows with my girlfriends downtown.
92. Blog more regularly
93. Take the boys to the autoshow (they love cars)
94. Buy an annual pass to the DIA and go
95. Go to the Jazz Festival in Detroit
96. Take the kids to Campus Martius for lunch one day, and let them ice skate if they want to.
97. Have a family game night.
98. Walk alone in a field of wild flowers, and bask in their beauty.
99. Memorize the rest of Annabel Lee, by Poe
100. Stop analyzing everything
101. Join the gym with Kathy and actually go regularly.
102. Take sax lessons from my friend Kevin
103. Have Danny teach me how to play golf without tearing up his golf course
104. Find more like-minded friends
105. Be more spontaneous
106. Take my daughter to see Louisiana, her birth state
107. Stop putting off major decisions
108. See Dane Cook perform.
109. Start getting ready for the 3-day walk for Breast Cancer 2008, and do it
110. Keep in contact with the volunteers that I met at the Veteran's Stand Down
111. Do the Southeastern Michigan Veteran's Stand Down next year, and each year after

Finding that rainbow

"If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." --Dolly Parton

Just thinking.  I'm terrified of getting hurt, and it isn't unusual for me to run from the rain, but sometimes you gotta stop worrying about what the rain might do.  I may be made of sugar (haha) but I highly doubt that I am going to melt (or dissolve) from the rain.  How could I even think about letting life pass by without getting my rainbow?

Becoming a man

Earlier today I was at the corner Subway with one of my boys, Jason.  As the guy was preparing our subs we heard a loud bang outside, that kind of sounded like it could be a gun shot, but as a semi drove by we could hear the flapping sound of a blown tire. 

After paying for our food and getting back into the car my son told me that if it would have really been a gun shot that he would have grabbed me and headed for the back door to escape.  I couldn't help but think about how things have changed.  How he is growing into a young man.  Where before I would have been the one grabbing him to escape harm, now he is the one thinking about how he would save me, his mother.

Original banner photograph

I just thought I would share with you the picture that I used to create my banner this evening.  I would have loved to include the lights and top of the door frame, but they just had to have that sign up for kids science camp.  Oh well.  I little bit of cropping and altering and tah dum!

This is the entrance to the Museum of Natural History, University of Michigan, in Ann Arbor.

Looking for Love?

I found this while reading an article in Newsweek, July 14, 2008 issue.

Looking for Love:

"Forget practicality, and even what mom thinks.  A Gallup Poll reveals that 94% of young unmarried women surveyed said their primary goal in marriage is finding a soulmate."

Does this really surprise me?  We aren't the same women, or they (I'm getting kinda old myself here), that their mothers or grandmothers were.  Women now are becoming so much of a "Me" generation.  Hey, but even though I am getting older, I'm still part of that "Me" generation.  I wouldn't marry (again) for any reason other than pure love and what I hope to be my soulmate.

Although I wonder if young women understand what a soulmate is, or us thirty or forty something women for that matter.  I remember when I was young and thought I found my soulmate; I wasn't even close.  It is amazing how one can be blinded so severely by what one imagines love is, or who their soulmate is.  For me, he was so damn cute, but we really didn't have anything in common.  We disagreed on everything, to include what the shortest distance from point "A" to point "B" is.  I don't care what he says, stopping for gas in between does not make it shorter.  The funny thing about him being "so damn cute" is that as we age, they stop looking "so damn cute."  What you are left with is personality, and if you have a conflict with that, then why even bother?

Speaking of soulmates.  Years ago, I asked my mother-in-law (now ex) what I thought was a rhetorical question. 

"If you and your family were drowning, and you had the ability to only save one person, your husband or one of your children, who would you save?

I thought I knew the answer, but for some reason I asked the question anyway.  I was shocked when her response was completely different from mine.  She said that she would save her husband, "true love is hard to find."  This was years ago, and I believe she may have even said, "you can always have more children" but don't quote me on that one.  I guess because I have never actually found true love (I was married to her son) I couldn't imagine it.  My thinking was that (a) being maternal, it is my job to save my chidren, the husband could try to save himself, and (b) at least my husband will have lived a good part of his life, my children haven't had a chance to live their lives yet.

It is funny how people manage to surprise you when you least expect it.

Step away from the table and put the fork down!

Okay, it is that time of year again.  Time for me to step back and say "Whoa woman, time to put down that big fat juicy double cheeseburger before you hurt yourself." 

Luckily for me I have at least had my physical therapy to help me get a little bit (and I mean little bit) motivated these past few weeks.  When I go there it is a guaranteed workout for 45 to 60 minutes.  Let me say that I do sweat, so I must be doing something worth while.

Now though I need to step it up a bit.  Add a little more to my routine while at home.  Maybe even get back to taking my evening walks.  Monitor a little better the garbage that I am shoving into my mouth.  Now don't get me wrong, I will never be a health nut, and this doesn't mean that I live on fruits and veggies alone, but I will try to control my calories and work very hard to stay out of the drive-thrus. 

I will try to blog about my progress over the next few weeks or so.

The best of the best: My mother

Today is my mother's 61st birthday.  I would love to tell the world, or at least the tiny gathering of friends that actually read my blog, that I have the most awesome mother in the world.  I know there are probably those that might argue that their mother is, but in my biased little world that is all mine, she is without a doubt the very best!  I may have mentioned this before, but it is worth repeating.

She is the most altruistic person that I know.  Her selflessness amazes me.  One of her most admirable qualities as a mother that I can see, besides her dedication to family, is her ability to remain neutral.  Her love seems evenly spread out among her grandchild, even though she raised my sister's two oldest boys, and you would think that she favored them, but it doesn't show.

Growing up she gave my sister more attention, but I always knew that it was because she needed it more than I did.  She never made me feel less loved. 

I often say that I felt as if my sister and I raised ourselves.  That was only because my parents worked all the time.  They were hardworking and taught us important values, maybe without us realizing it at the time.  When my mother wasn't working, she did everything she could for us.  My sister was the homebody, and I was the social butterfly that never stayed home.  I could never say a bad word about my mother, she is, in my eyes a saint.

I remember growing up all of my friends were afraid of her.  They would say she always looked mean.  They never really met her because I was always gone, I rarely brought them over.  I was a teenager, I didn't want to hang out at home, I wanted to run wild.  The funny thing about that is that my mother is far from mean, UNLESS of course you mess with her family.  Then you better watch out she is hell fire.  I remember she loved watching the old sitcom All in the Family.  The main character, Archie Bunker, use to crack her up.  She would laugh so hard that she would cry.  She was the same way whenever she told a joke.  She could never get through it without laughing.  Funny, as I'm sitting here telling her story, I am laughing to myself (out loud) just thinking about her.

Do you remember the song "Locomotion" by Grand Funk Railroad?  When I was no more than 6 years old she had us dancing around the room with her singing that song.  My sister and I would line up like a train with her as the lead engine, and do the locomotion around the room.  That is still one of my favorite memories with her.  My father wasn't really around when I was young.  I knew he spent two tours in Vietnam while I was very young (3 tours all together), and other than that he was a workaholic. 

Well here's to my mother, the best of the best!  Happy 61st Birthday Mom!

I really do feel blessed, and I can only hope that my children feel the same about me as they grow.

Museum tricks

Does this little cutie look familiar?  She should, she is my sidekick, Chilly.  Here is another site that allows you to add your pictures into theirs.  You can put your pictures right on a museum wall. 

Check it out!

Photofunia.com

Is this cool or what?  All you need to do is go to Photofunia.com and it is easy as pie.

They have so many different ideas to use, and it's incredibly easy.

Check it out!

What a performance! Heath is the MAN or the clown!

After my trip to the theater this weekend to see The Dark Knight, how could I not want to post about it?  This was certainly worth my time spent to go see it.

I don't want to take anything away from the other characters, but Heath Ledger was phenomenal in his character as The Joker.  Look at the picture above and tell me he doesn't look crazy.  He made you believe that The Joker was actually real. 

As I mentioned before I think Jack Nicholson is one cool dude, but Heath here blew him out of the water.

Greatest Batman movie ever, so gather up the kiddies,  go to your nearest theater, purchase your big bowl of buttered popcorn and gigantic soda (at an outrageous price) and enjoy the movie.  I won't give away any of the details, I do know how to keep secrets.